TERRIFIED OF TERROR

And speaking of the terrorist attacks, where the hell is the Big Kahuna of Terrorists? You remember, don't you? Osama? Osama bin Laden? Tall guy, scraggly beard, turban? Yeah, that guy! In the wake of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, ObL was the worlds Number One bad guy. He was right up there leading the ranks of such noteworthy folks as Hitler, Satan, Atilla the Hun, Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger on the all time most dastardly dudes list.

At the time, rhetoric spewed from the White House and other Washington, DC, hovels was thicker than Los Angeles rush hour smog, Mount Saint Helen's ash-rain, and the WTC post-collapse dust clouds combined. We were going to use any and all means necessary to find, hunt down, handcuff, transport, and screw his dirty, rotten Muslim ass to the defendant's chair in a World Kangaroo Court.

Mountain ranges were bombed and caves were searched. Hard drives were seized and analyzed. Prisoners were captured, transported, imprisoned, interrogated and given Twinkies. The FBI and CIA were forced to shake hands and share data. Carnivore software scanned e-mail from grandparents to their grandchildren for "potential terrorist links." The (p)Resident pounded the podium with and marched the goose-step in his freshly shined penny loafers. But Osama was nowhere to be found.

These days we don't hear much about ole Osama, do we? We hear plenty about Saddam Hussien, Michael Jackson and Joe Millionaire. There's no lack of air time or print page space for the promotion of Star Search, Fear Factor, American Idol, Survivor, Ozzy Osborn, Weakest Link or Anna Nicole Smith. But there's nary a word even so much as whispered about Osama bin Laden.

That's because terrorism and war don't sell, period: that is unless we're the terrorists (remember to bombing of Belgrade, Yugoslavia) or we're winning the war (remember kicking Noriega's ass in Panama). The American viewing public has grown tired of all this news stuff and has moved onto more important things like who Joe Millionaire is bopping in a hot tub, cheap nipple slips and crotch shots on Survivor, and close-ups of cartilage sticking out of what's left of Michael Jackson's nose. Were a sophisticated lot, we Americans.

Diversions. Modern day life is full of them and nobody is immune. And don't think for a moment that your federal officials, broadcasters and print media moguls aren't fully aware of that fact and taking full advantage of it. Trust me on this one, too.

Remember: the color du jour is orange. And don't forget to have a nice, vigilant day!