Reference Point
playing one end against the other
Years ago while working with my brother-in-law in the construction and renovation business, he'd frequently need to measure long boards or trim. Instead of hooking the end of the measuring tape to the board and walking out the tape himself, he'd ask one of us to help. "Here. You take the dumb end" he'd quip, handing the hapless helper the index end of the tape -- the "dumb end" being the end where there's nothing to be read or interpolated between graduation lines. The insinuation, whether coincidental or malicious, was that the person manning the dumb end was incapable of reading the smart end of the measuring tape.
"You take the dumb end" was funny the first time I heard it. If memory serves, I even laughed, knowing full well that my brother-in-law, though a lot of things, wasn't the mean spirited type. However, over time the unnecessary and menial task grew more and more irritating with each repeat of the seemingly requisite "dumb end" tag line. Corrective action was clearly long overdue.
Of course, the proper method to index a tape measure is to hook the "dumb end" to the center of a squared finish end of a board. However, when the gift of inspiration hit me, I used a slightly different method to index the "dumb end" for the measurement. It was clearly a case of divine intervention which delivered such a clever mindfuck.
This slightly different method gave my brother-in-law a board approximately 1-3/4 inches too long, which he carefully cut, and scurried off with to nail up. Off course the board didn't fit, the profanities flew, and he remeasured what he needed. And it was back to the saw horses. "Measure twice, cut once" I said to him, repeating an oft heard saying of This Old House's master carpenter, Norm Abram. He remeasured what was needed and then fed me the index end of the tape. This time I stuck only one finger between the index and board end, rendering the cut product about 5/8th of an inch too long. He squared and marked off the board and carefully cut. Again. And off he went to nail up the board.
"This board is STILL too fucking long! What the fuck is wrong with me today?", my exasperated in-law yelled. He again measured what was needed, then returned to measure the cut board, only this time by himself. I initially thought the ruse was up, but he indexed, measured, and read the tape -- only to exclaim, "Oh my God. I must be losing it."
It being the perfect time to drive the point home, I just looked at him directly into his eyes and asked, "So who's got the dumb end of the tape measure now?"
And that was the last time any of us were told "You take the dumb end".